Stupid Cupid

Do you believe there’s a Cupid out somewhere?
I think of asking You.
But then, you wouldn’t understand,
And I’d have to translate it to your language,
And that’d take out all the fun.
Like all the other times, I had to explain to you,
Things you fail to grasp, being out of your reach.
(There’s a point till which I can bear,
But damn if it isn’t irritating!)
So instead, I ask myself.

Yes, I believe there is One,
Otherwise what could possibly explain this,
This outrageous, exasperating feeling,
Of being struck with an attraction.
A pull which goes just one-way round,
With no future in sight,
And feelings too surprisingly new to fight.

I cannot say to you all this,
You’d run away faster than Bolt,
Simply because it’s unbelievable! But hey,
I know that feeling too, right?
So instead I do things which my heart forces me to do,
Making my brain die premature death, multiple times in a day.
If not Cupid, what could possibly explain this?

I can still remember the moment it all happened,
Your back facing the balcony,
Your coat giving you the mysterious allure.
I’d doubled back to see who you are,
And there you were, unknown
But somehow known enough for me to gasp.
For you were just an ordinary guy,
Nowhere near to my preferences.
Yet, yet I tried hard to find the reason,
That made my heart race to see you,
To want to talk to you,
Most importantly, for you to accept me,
For you to like me as I am.
But sigh! If only I could find any,
Oh Mon dieu, someone help me!

Often I have wondered, you know,
What it’d be like, to pursue you.
To chase you until you’re mine,
To break that ego of yours,
Boosting mine in the process of destruction.
But then, I remember who you are,
And despite it all, I don’t want to screw up,
Your already roughened heart.

So here’s what I’ve decided, my friend.
To purge myself of you in the sea,
To drown all these feelings for you,
As unnecessary as salt in anything sweet.
So here’s my eulogy to a surprising attraction,
Which is to die an early, too-soon painful death.
Here’s my tribute to Cupid,
Who turned out to be stupid enough to mess with Me.
And here’s to You, dear friend,
Listen, for I’m confessing to you.
I did like you, yes, believe me when I say that.
But not enough to let go of the past lessons I’ve learnt.
You see, I’m content with myself.
So I have to let you go, and thus,
Goodbye, my almost-happened love.


On Love and Other Demons

It’s cold.
I remind myself of the chill that’s in the air,
But I don’t mind it.
I welcome it.
It relieves me to see that I can still feel.
That goosebumps faithfully show up,
Is a reminder that they’re there, existing just under the skin.
That they’re are still very much alive,
Like the night we had met.

It’s cold.
The November rains brought it in.
You used to love rains,
Maybe you still do, or that’s what you proclaim.
I look up at the swinging trees,
The red-tinged night sky,
They remind me of my won’t-cry-im-strong eyes,
Of the night we parted, for the last time.

It’s cold,
And I shiver involuntarily.
The body screams for warmth, any kind of warmth,
While my heart aches for body warmth,
Of a person who had once been mine.

It’s cold.
It’s been a long while I’ve felt anything else.
I welcome the chill that seeps in my veins,
I smile thinking even nature gets drunk,
On love and other demons.
I’m yet to decide what were you.
To Me, of Mine.

2017 – The Year That Was

Image Source: Pinterest

It’s time for the year roundabout post. I know I’m late (as usual), will be rambling on for long (as usual), on the year that is living off its last hours (as usual). In fact, I’ve every right to ramble, given that I’m writing this post on a network that’s bordering on negative and I’m currently sitting in the basement attic, freezing my ass and hands off, to block all the loud sounds coming from the musical soiree being held in my countryside house. Sigh, yes, that’s my life, welcome! So what’s unusual? Well, surprise. The year itself.

I think anyone who has gone through my earlier posts of Coffee Talkies, would be able to answer the cause behind it right away. For those who haven’t (and for them, a warm welcome in this bitter-cold winter. Please make yourself at home in this humble blog of mine)… let me make it easier for all, actually.

2017 would forever remain remarkable in my so-far life journey, for this was the year I moved out to a different city. This was the year who threw me out of my comfort zone called home and taught precious life experiences of living outside in a city which speaks a language different from mine. But let’s take the weathered path to this year’s memory down the lane rather than a shortcut. Shortcuts are easier to take, I know, but they’re quick enough as well to cutdown upon the joy that is normally associated with all journeys. So let’s do this!

This was a year I was to graduate with Masters and finally get out of the cocoon called University and get to taste the big, bad world out there. The last months were tough, more so because I knew, the people whom I regularly saw for a period of 5 long years, had grown intimacy with over the duration, would cease to be regular mates to sit around and chat with. It was a bit hard reality to reconcile with, but it’d be wrong if I said, I wasn’t ready to face the world. I was, and damn if I wasn’t excited as well!

So I graduated, missed the gold medal by a whisker (I still refuse to stand up and protest against the sheer injustice done to me, for I didn’t and still don’t care. It was a blatant scandal, if you believe my friends), and went headlong into an internship which again was to change my life in its own way.

I’d always wanted to have a corporate life, or at least, get to bite a slice of it. I’d hoped to acquire it through my internship, which I eventually did. It was amazing, made a lot of friends, had fun, learnt the basics of content editing and writing and all that stuff. But that’s like, the usual internship experience of almost every other person. So why was this internship important to me? Because it was crucial to make me come to this realisation that corporate life isn’t the one for me. That it could only be an affair, which could be enjoyed only for a short-term duration but enough to make me bolt if it were to be on a permanent basis. So what to do, now that my lust for corporate life was long satiated? That’s what I thought when I sat down to think, on a fine summer afternoon. Let’s move out, I decided. So I simply went ahead and made it happen!

Sounds incredibly easy, eh? Well, I do make sound everything easy! But believe me when I say, it wasn’t. There has been several lifetime experiences that I have had, in this one semester of my academics (besides my growing addiction to K-Drama, chopsticks and frightening closeness to family). One was watching the winter meteor shower with a couple of other handfuls of friends and ended up having the highest tally of 7 meteors (yes, I’m great, I know, thank you). The other was doing the moonsight on the day the Moon was closest to the Earth, quite accidentally in fact, amidst the entire hostel’s powercut, at 4 a.m. Standing under a sky filled with stars and constellations, with the breeze chilled just enough to make you shiver, the Moon looked mind-blowing and needless to say, one of my best experiences that I’d owe to hostel life. I’d normally like to ramble on more, but hey, the post is already long enough.

So what am I expecting from 2018? Nothing, actually. I’m keeping my arms open to all kinds of experiences that is going to ram headlong upon and onto Me. I’m actually having my mindslate erased entirely to ensure that all kinds of experiences gets noted down, in the inventory of my Life.

I’m fully aware of the fact that 2018 is going to be incredibly stressful and busy. I just hope as convincing my statement looks like, I am too, ready, alert and in my own confident skin. When I look back, I also see myself trying hard to be happy, so that’s the only thing I’d be trying to get a shot at: To be Happy. In whatever I do. In whichever way. No matter what happens at the end.
In the end, what I’d really like to ask from Life is, to return my love back. Let’s meet halfway, darling?

May We become The Force Ourselves. Let’s go out and have a smashing new year, filled with dreams, aspirations and everything we have always wanted to have. Let’s make a name for ourselves, put in every ounce of energy we have in ourselves and smash all conjectures/predictable patterns of you. Let’s try out a different version of ours, a version that’s difficult to reckon with.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, folks! And I mean it, with all my heart. Let’s all have a ‘happy’ new year.


The girl you see today,
Wasn’t the same before.
She used to be lively once,
When she didn’t need a reason to smile.
For she loved the sound of laughter,
The heady feeling of being full with joy.
But something happened to Her,
That made her carefree vibe die away.
Maybe that thing had a form,
A being who had hurt her somehow,
A human who had a habit of crushing hearts,
Just like he had crushed hers.
She used to smile once,
Openly and whole-heartedly.
What did you do to her to make her like this,
This lifeless being?

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Coffee Talkies #6 – Moving Out

Today is Dashami. Pujo ends. And with that, the wait for the next year’s Pujo starts. With only a day left for me to return back, I cannot help but agree why it’s important to be with your family during Durga Puja. But at the same time, it’s all the more sad, given that I know there’s every probability that I won’t be in Calcutta during Puja next year. No, I didn’t celebrate Puja this year, owing to the resolution taken last year that it would be the last time I’m celebrating Puja. Every bit of chaotic madness around, I had initially resented being here. But I guess it’s the Bengali in Me since this girl’s eyes could be found tearing up on the bhashan of Durga Ma, as she whispered, “Asche Bochor Abar Esho, Ma”. After a measly stay of only a week, as I return back this time, for a long time to come, it is mentally exhausting to even think of going through the motions of sadness, homesickness and eventually numbness all over again.

Now that I’ve spent a month there already, it can be safely said that I’ve settled down in Bhubaneswar. So how did I survive one month in this new city, charting the beginning of the next 2 years to come? Moving out was a big deal, and it should be, if you happen to be the youngest daughter of the family and the only one to move out the earliest. Some say, it is only when you move out of your comfort zone, leave behind everything that has ever been yours, to a zone that’s alien, foreign, it is then that you come to realize the importance of your family. It is as much important as getting the opportunity to test yourself in the foreign lands, of successfully surviving in the big world out there. Bading goodbye to an emotional father, was as difficult as bading goodbye to mother back home, which was despite everything a surprise, given that both the Father and the daughter concerned here, are not really emotional beings.

The initial days were occupied with setting up the lifeless room into a room beating with love and happiness, evoking positive energies, welcoming to everybody. Making new friendships and getting comfortable with the place slowly took the second place in the queue. The hectic schedule leaves no time for anyone to get homesick, and the energy-draining classes make you wonder when and how days roll into nights.Becoming an office-bearer, the Prefect of B.Ed batch of my hostel came saddled with a lot of responsibilities and even little time for myself. You crave for weekends to come, so that you can just laze around and before you know it, the weekdays are back again. It is a sheer endless circle of dire survival.

When you move into a new place, there are certain changes that happens within and to You. The social bee in Me got replaced with the homely Me who would prefer staying back in weekends rather than going out for roaming. Independence comes with costs, and this time it was to live on your own, managing to be economical. I don’t know whether it’s good or bad that we are so inundated with tasks, given that though it is overly energy-depleting, however it leaves little time to think about what you’ve left behind.

Most importantly, as always, I changed. The Bhubaneswar Me is so different from the Calcutta Me that sometimes I wonder whether that’s a positive or a negative sign. The courage, the boldness is of course encouraging which was attested by the hosting of the first Mahalaya event in my hostel in the last 6-7 years, on my prerogative. The fact that it was a tremendous success, the fact that I paid my respect to the Goddess by establishing her worth in a foreign land, it’s a huge enrichment to the soul and a tremendous boost to self-esteem in itself.

Calcutta brings along with it, emotions, which is largely lacking in the Bhubaneswar Me. It is as if a new Esh has been born there. It was worrying whether it had destroyed the older Me, but when I saw my heart miss a beat seeing all kaashful-fields, eyes welling up over the image of Home, I knew I’m safe. I’m okay.

It’s just one month in the new city, with many more to follow. I don’t know how I’ll make it, but I hope to do it with every pore of my energies. I hope to make the best of everything that the new city has to offer. I hope to make my family proud.

Asche Bochor Abar Esho, Ma. Asche Bochor jeno Ami Aste Pari, Ma. 🙂
May The Forces Be With All of Us.

Happy Dussehra, everyone.
Shubho Bijoya.

Micro-Tales #1 Strength In Disguise

There’s something about her laugh. She laughs like she’d keel over, laughing and fall on the floor. She looked like the happiest person in this world when she laughed. But she wasn’t really. In fact, she didn’t even really laugh at all. She disguised it all the time. She laughed because she needed to show everything was fine with her. She laughed and that reminded her how hollow she is, that she has to fake her own laugh. She laughed at the whole irony of life. She laughed at the screwup that she was. She laughed because that’s the only way she could control herself. Stop herself from screaming out aloud and going insane. She laughed because she was just a step away from a complete break-down. She laughed because she couldn’t cry. And it was as simple as that.

She had to laugh so she laughed.

Coffee Talkies 2.0 #5 – Chapters

Source: Pinterest

Guilty. That’s the first word that came in my mind when the bitter (extreme one at that, if I may add) taste of my strong black coffee hit my taste buds. Interestingly, that’s also the word that strikes my conscience when I think about Coffee Talkies and how it hasn’t been fed any content since March, which is like, 4 months ago. Sheesh! So I’ll have a quick round-up of each month that has passed by, before settling down to the current month, which is July.

Hectic – I had to submit my Master Thesis. *Mic drop*

Ta-Da! Thesis Cover

Yes, that should quite dramatically sum up, the month of April. I still don’t know how I managed to complete it, but it was god-awful hectic! I remember my multiple drafts getting rejected with every visit to my supervisor and me steeling up, again and again. Oh, just to add (I swear, I’m not trying to boast here, but it’s hard not to be proud when your supervisor is Mr. Zaad Mahmood, who is the first Indian professor of Political Science and the second Indian overall to get a guest lectureship in Oxford University!)

Presenting to you, Mr. Zaad Mahmood

On the day of submission, I remember feeling proud to have the hardbound thesis in my hands, a product of intense criticism yet steel-strong faith. Then came the farewell, which was not quite an emotional event for Me. Maybe because I was too numb. Maybe because the unsettling shock, that there would be no other regular day of attending University, was yet to sink in. In the midst of such ordered chaos, I remember feeling better when the very supervisor, who had been let’s say, quite critical of everything I had done till then, told me how proud he was of my unconventional choices in my life. Farewells are so weird, I tell you!

The Farewell Evening. *sobs*

Mayhem – That’s what the month of May brought along-with it. As it so happened that it was the last end-semester exams that I was to give, before the cocoon of University was to be taken away from me, only to be pushed into the big, bad world out there & rough it out. I’ll say this and I really mean it, the exams were horrible! I swear, I had given the worst exams of my entire University Life of 5 years and it is NOT my fault that the results didn’t quite catch up with my expectations… Oh, well… But that’s for June to own it up!

1. Bachelors Completion, 2015.
2. Masters Completion, 2017.

Experiences – Normally, I don’t get envious of my friends’ lives, but probably for the first time in the month of June, I did. Because right after my exams, when I was supposed to relax (like my friends did), I had to join my office, which also happened to be my first full-time corporate office internship. However, two days into the office and I realized it wasn’t going to be that bad after all! I loved the work vibe of my company, the boss-employee dynamics and most of all, how easily I got embraced by one and all. I had an absolutely amazing time at this company, where I made really good friends, strangers who somehow became so close to my life that living a day without seeing them would have to be a day of some other parallel world.

The First Company Outing

I remember that tensed feeling of a doomed ship, when the University results were to be announced while I was in my office. But at the same time, I also remember accepting congratulations with shaky hands when I broke the news to my the office people that I had stood 3rd in my 2 years of Masters. (Let it go down like this that I had cleared the fact that the results were not in alignment with my expectations. It came way better, actually!)

Then came the break for travelling, which made all the difference in the end. Because as it goes after every travelling stint of mine, I returned, a slightly reformed person.  I had went to Benaras for more than a week and then returned home, after a short visit to Allahabad on the way back. Benaras had been detoxifying as always, adding reward points to my self-esteem, making new friends, proving to myself that maybe I’m not really a bad person after all! *Tongue in cheek* Trust me when I say, my bindi had actually become a representative of me being the only Bengali out there in the community I was staying put and the 70 odd people from the entire North actually remembered me by my name! (That’s quite an achievement, believe me when I say that!) Benaras taught me quite a startling revelation this time that, I probably would never settle down as any other ordinary girl. For my heart has a hippie soul in it.


Allahabad had been fun, with the Tonga rides, morning fresh walks and the Triveni boat-ride! Allahabad chapter taught me humility and how things weren’t to be taken for granted. Which was quite important when I look back now, but it was too late by the time I could catch on to the significance of it.


Revelations – Welcome to July. The current month… Or at least, till the midnight clock introduces the brand new month of August! July brought along with it a sad news. My internship was about to end. The word for July should really have been Goodbyes, but then August has got it copyrighted already…

So my office internship ended, with tears on my part and sad faces on part of the people who had become part of my life in this two months and were suddenly to become strangers again. I have the bad habit of getting attached to people quite easily, so it had been a bit difficult to say goodbye.

The Company Farewell

I decided I had to get away from my home to somehow avoid that feeling of getting choked on emotions and that’s when the offer to visit our farmhouse came along. I clung to that as a drowning man finding a log and went for a visit to the farmhouse which I had last visited 7-8 years ago. This had been a much-needed catharsis for Me as the farmhouse reminded me of that little girl who had the world in her hands and had been at the top of everything. She had no damn to give to anyone and was the best. I remember running and chasing the butterflies, soaking in the wet breeze and taking a detour to the other part of the town, exploring on my own.

Terrace of the Farmhouse

Returning back to the city all rejuvenated, I decided to go back to do something close to my heart, working at an NGO, something I do with all my passion. It’s been going on like that since then when suddenly a news came.

Something to change my Life forever. And the month August will be the forebearer of that. *insert Game of Thrones introductory music*

Thanks for reading the chapters of the book of my Life called “The Tragedy”. May your life never be unsettled like mine!