Moving Away

I’ve always wondered,
Of the moment when,
I’d finally move on,
From You and My expectations.
I’ve imagined countless times,
Of the moment when I’d realize,
That it is really the end of it all,
And nothing else can be done anymore.
I’ve woken up from nightmares,
Soaked with sweat & pumping oxygen into a jumpy heart,
Wishing and praying for those things,
To never happen, those terrible things,
Only to realize they have already happened.
But nothing could have prepared Me,
For this moment which has finally come.

It was the look of your face which screamed happiness,
The moment when this heart of mine broke all over again.
When You didn’t look back even once and took a giant leap,
And I realized I was a fool to wish for happy endings.
They don’t exist and nor do your feelings,
But I still believe and unfortunately,
Exist my feelings, which once lay dormant,
But have woken up again, to bid you goodbye.
For You see, I can live my life with the memories given by you,
But I cannot bear to burden You with mine.
You see, I can survive by barely managing to sew my broken heart,
But I cannot bear to see You live, Without that of yours.

Because at the end of the day, it’s still your happiness which counts,
I can manage with my melancholic memories.
Who cares if You have ruined my heart with your image,
I’ll just remain happy for the rest of my life,
That once You belonged to Me – just mine,
Once upon a time.

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Laugh

There’s something about her laugh. She laughs like she’d keel over laughing and fall on the floor. She looked like the happiest person in this world when she laughed. But she wasn’t really. In fact, she didn’t even really laugh at all. She disguised it all the time. She laughed because she needed to show everything was fine with her. She laughed and that reminded her how hollow she is, that she has to fake her own laugh. She laughed at the shallow sound of her laughter. She laughed at the whole irony of life. She laughed at the screwup that she was. She laughed because that’s the only way she could control herself. Stop herself from screaming out aloud and going insane. She laughed because she was just a step away from a complete break-down. She laughed because she couldn’t cry.

And it was as simple as that. She had to laugh so she laughed.

Darkness and Her Lover

He’d thought She was the Sun.
The Light who’d show the path through his darkness,
The Light who’d blind him with love he’d never known could exist,
For She was everything he’d ever imagined and more.
But He didn’t know, She was that Sun.
Who’d scorch him for ever.
The Sun who herself was headed to burn out.
The Light who was born out of darkness.
The Light whose other name was Black.
She was Darkness in the disguise of Light.

And yet, He had fallen and couldn’t undo it.
Because when Love can be undone, then it wasn’t love in the first place.
And thus, He chose to love Darkness,
But anonymously, deciding to be a Shadow.
For to be close to Darkness, you have to be embrace it too.
And hence, He became yet another stakeholder in,
The scarred faces of Black.
One of the many star-crossed lovers of Darkness.

Chasing Sunsets

Why chase Sunsets?
You ask Me.
Why out of all things,
Sunsets fascinate you the most?
You frown, trying to know Me.
I laugh.
Oh, that’s nothing, I reply.
Yet another sudden impulses of mine,
You really don’t need to decode it, you know!

You don’t believe me, as you should.
You think there’s something more,
More than what I’m giving away to you.
I smile, thinking if only you had the power,
The ability to know what’s the reason behind it,
If only you knew why I like to chase sunsets.

Sunsets remind of surviving yet another day,
A day of struggling with disguises and pretensions,
A day of waking up and get hustling along,
A day of making it alright, after fighting with the world,
A day of facing the sun and saying it with pride,
See, I beat you again, taking one at a time.
More so, sunsets remind me,
That I’ve survived one day more.

I love sunsets because they’re my safety net,
They take me to a dimension where I’m comfortable more.
An extension of darkness waiting,
To envelop me in its arms,
Knowing the child is to return,
To her home, the nestle of night.
A place where her demons wait,
A play-room where there’s no way out,
Except to fight, to keep herself sane.
But that’s easier for her, I think.
For she has been doing it for years,
And she doesn’t look like she’s giving up, it seems.

Would you like to know what’s the best thing about nights?
It’s that white slice of happiness,
Which comes in different shapes every night,
The Moon, which has always been mine.
And I dare not think of a person once close,
Who too had once said, the moon was his to go by.
But now, what has remained is the Moon,
And person… So far, nowhere near heart and sight.

So when you ask why I chase sunsets,
I almost blurt out the real reason,
But know better not to,
For you wouldn’t understand.
Nobody has or will do, you see.

It’s not that I like to chase sunsets,
But I have to chase sunsets.
They are a reminder, a celebration of the fact,
I’m a fighter, a survivor
And I’d like to remain that.

Belief

I don’t believe in the institution of marriage. Yes, I don’t believe in that, no matter how much you look bewildered or go on to laugh at me. Why, you ask? Well, for one, I don’t believe in the idea that I or the other person concerned could love and tolerate each other for a whole lifetime to go. I don’t know about him, but I sure as hell don’t believe I can be in love with a person after a certain amount of time, leave alone thinking of spending about 50-60 years of my life with him.

You look surprised. You say, I’m crazy and I reply back saying yes I am one, unabashedly. You look back at me and ask, don’t you believe in soulmates? You don’t notice my hesitation but my reply is smooth when I say, No. You nod your head disparagingly and go along. You don’t notice the slag in my step, the faraway look of my face, the glittery eyes. If that didn’t give away the answer to you, then the answer for you is, No. I choose not to explain about my choices to you, because you wouldn’t understand. Nobody does. Why would you then?

Stupid Cupid

Do you believe there’s a Cupid out somewhere?
I think of asking You.
But then, you wouldn’t understand,
And I’d have to translate it to your language,
And that’d take out all the fun.
Like all the other times, I had to explain to you,
Things you fail to grasp, being out of your reach.
(There’s a point till which I can bear,
But damn if it isn’t irritating!)
So instead, I ask myself.

Yes, I believe there is One,
Otherwise what could possibly explain this,
This outrageous, exasperating feeling,
Of being struck with an attraction.
A pull which goes just one-way round,
With no future in sight,
And feelings too surprisingly new to fight.

I cannot say to you all this,
You’d run away faster than Bolt,
Simply because it’s unbelievable! But hey,
I know that feeling too, right?
So instead I do things which my heart forces me to do,
Making my brain die premature death, multiple times in a day.
If not Cupid, what could possibly explain this?

I can still remember the moment it all happened,
Your back facing the balcony,
Your coat giving you the mysterious allure.
I’d doubled back to see who you are,
And there you were, unknown
But somehow known enough for me to gasp.
For you were just an ordinary guy,
Nowhere near to my preferences.
Yet, yet I tried hard to find the reason,
That made my heart race to see you,
To want to talk to you,
Most importantly, for you to accept me,
For you to like me as I am.
But sigh! If only I could find any,
Oh Mon dieu, someone help me!

Often I have wondered, you know,
What it’d be like, to pursue you.
To chase you until you’re mine,
To break that ego of yours,
Boosting mine in the process of destruction.
But then, I remember who you are,
And despite it all, I don’t want to screw up,
Your already roughened heart.

So here’s what I’ve decided, my friend.
To purge myself of you in the sea,
To drown all these feelings for you,
As unnecessary as salt in anything sweet.
So here’s my eulogy to a surprising attraction,
Which is to die an early, too-soon painful death.
Here’s my tribute to Cupid,
Who turned out to be stupid enough to mess with Me.
And here’s to You, dear friend,
Listen, for I’m confessing to you.
I did like you, yes, believe me when I say that.
But not enough to let go of the past lessons I’ve learnt.
You see, I’m content with myself.
So I have to let you go, and thus,
Goodbye, my almost-happened love.

On Love and Other Demons

It’s cold.
I remind myself of the chill that’s in the air,
But I don’t mind it.
I welcome it.
It relieves me to see that I can still feel.
That goosebumps faithfully show up,
Is a reminder that they’re there, existing just under the skin.
That they’re are still very much alive,
Like the night we had met.

It’s cold.
The November rains brought it in.
You used to love rains,
Maybe you still do, or that’s what you proclaim.
I look up at the swinging trees,
The red-tinged night sky,
They remind me of my won’t-cry-im-strong eyes,
Of the night we parted, for the last time.

It’s cold,
And I shiver involuntarily.
The body screams for warmth, any kind of warmth,
While my heart aches for body warmth,
Of a person who had once been mine.

It’s cold.
It’s been a long while I’ve felt anything else.
I welcome the chill that seeps in my veins,
I smile thinking even nature gets drunk,
On love and other demons.
I’m yet to decide what were you.
To Me, of Mine.