2019 – The Year of Surprises

“Ajeeb dastaan haan yeh, kahaan shuru kaha khatam…” These are precisely the lines which I found myself humming to calm myself down after I nearly had a breakdown. Why? Because on 31st Nite, when everyone is out enjoying the last few hours of this decade, somewhere far away, my boyfriend (to be referred as He/Him in the rest of the blogpost) is out with few other officers trying to crack down upon a gang tampering with electric lines. WOW. Oh, well.

That actually quite sums up the emotional rollercoaster that this year has been – never quite settled, just when I thought it’s gonna be okay, something or the other happens to disprove me of the same. Before I let myself go on and on and whine some more, let me get done with everything that this year has been about!

This year really started with me still safe in the cocoon of my institution and in the company of this new relationship which I kept on testing weeks after weeks. This relationship surprisingly has stood the test of time wherein a girl who never settled for anyone for more than half a year, has already completed a year in this relationship. Whoa! Yes, still can’t believe it. Still testing this relationship everyday. Still trying to pinch myself to believe I’m actually winding down my wilderness.

So far as the professional ground is concerned, I’ve been blessed with a miracle that could only happen due to The Ultimate Faith, that I could get placed with a school that everyone wanted to be in, but couldn’t somehow get through (better still, when the school itself was not a part of the placements!). But there was I, with no knowledge thereof, getting the opportunity to serve at one of the best CBSE schools in Bhubaneswar and better yet, a society like DPS. Each day is challenging so far as bettering myself is concerned and given that I’ve already gotten lots of compliments from kind colleagues and parents alike for the amount of hardwork and creativity I put in, I hope to serve even better in future here. I, sure as hell, every single day count myself lucky and blessed to have gotten the opportunity to serve at such a big school. This is not to say that I haven’t faced troubles in the workplace but I have learnt to deal with it with sheer dedication to teaching and only teaching. Work is God, after all.

2019 has been my traveling year, for sure. Given that I got to go on a trip almost every 3-4months, this year has been quite rejuvenating for me, especially the December trip, wherein I got to visit Purulia, a beautiful interior town of West Bengal, along-with group of friends. The trip extravaganza started in February when I started off my birthday month with a trip to beach (literally the start I’d want for my birthday month!) and spending quality time with Him for the first time. This was also the trip which established my connection with his parents, basically his family, a milestone I have always considered to be an important part of any relationship, touching base with parents. Then of course, in the subsequent trips, we got to spend even more time together getting to know each other, our pulses, likes-dislikes et al. All these trips incredibly connected the soul within me with nature and to another human being, who has been increasingly becoming a part of my life.

Coming to Me, I think 2019 has been quite a kaleidoscope of growing up mentally and emotionally. This has been the year when I decided to face myself in the mirror and decide to take the first step to conquer my body issues by agreeing to see the doctor. As I already knew it with my gut instincts, I was diagnosed with several major diseases, all of them of course curable, but only with daily intake of medicines, watching out my diet and lots of exercises blah blah. This was also the year which taught me a lot about life when I got caught in the midst of the Cyclone Phani rampage in Bhubaneswar where I had to stay without any network coverage, no proper drinking water and electricity facilities. Those were the days which tried me a lot and though a bit traumatized (I just hate even the very idea of windy depression in any place and almost neurotic about charging phones), I did come out surviving THE Cyclone which not only left a bad taste in all of our mouths, but took away our best memories of our institution’s campus.

This year also involved a lot of growing up on my part, especially in the adulting front. From selecting to shifting to different houses at different times, to taking charge of the whole range of expenses which come along with settling down in a place which ain’t my home, I sure have done a lot of adulting. After suffering tremendously from UTI, I have also learnt a lesson or two about safe and protective hygiene and the havoc it can cause on its lack thereof.
Regarding making new connections, I have contributed on that front as well courtesy the new relationship, wherein my entire Durga Pujo, I got to visit a lot of new relatives, making and visiting new friends etcetera. Surprisingly from a girl who couldn’t even imagine tying Rakhi to anyone else than the brother of the last four years, this year I took a bold step in acknowledging the role played by at least three more men in my lives, who have been consistently there in my life, by tying them rakhi. The most precious rakhi of course for the good ol’ brother of mine, who was splendidly happy with the chosen rakhi of mine.

2019 was the year which reinstated my faith in Karma by making the re-connection with a guy who was almost a part of my life but couldn’t actually be, with his opting out from the same. This not only gave me a far-too-long needed closure but also left, giving me a taste of what it could have been and what it actually is. This was also the year where I experimented with my hidden desires. All my life, I had dreamt of having a boyfriend who could play a guitar (cliché, yes, I know) but never did have one who could play a guitar. This year, with sudden realisation, I myself decided to be a girl who could play strings, which in my case, meant purchasing a ukulele. Which I did. Yes, again, still cannot imagine it, if not for the fact that it lies right next to my bed. This however, could only happen due to the support of only one person, that was, Him.

Now on to the guy who has forced to believe that Time indeed can heal people and give a fair chance to things that are deserving. This guy waited for me for 2 years with absolutely no hope and even when I did say yes to him, I only about gave him a time-span of six months at best, which now currently stands at fourteen months and counting! This all can be vouched only for the love he has for me, his respect and care for me and my family and above all, his tenacity to not leave my hands at any cost. We have our fair share of quarrels and arguments, and times when I felt stupid to give him a little piece of my heart. But every time we do bounce back together again and that does say something about me. The day he sat on the ground, cross-legged, asking from my parents my hand, saying he wants a future together, but at my pace, whenever I wanna settle down, will forever be etched in my heart. 🙂 He will also be special with the amount of support I receive regarding my mental health, how he is damn concerned about my degradation regarding the same. Whatever this year has shown and told me about Him, I hope to God it multiplies in fold and even more.

Coming to the expectations I have from 2020, well, it’s a new year, start of a new decade. Last decade has mostly been about growing up. This decade will be carrying myself responsibly. I hope to carry myself off efficiently regarding finances and adulting about life. 2020 should be a year where I’m able to organise my personal life in tandem with my work-life, so that I’m less exhausted and more energetic to get at least some of my hobbies done. This year, I hope to take off my double Masters properly as well, so that I can continue with that in future. I hope I can get to learn to play better Ukulele and create a balance between book-reading and movie-watching. I hope to go on several more trips and spend even more time with Him.

Let 2020 be year where we are able to revolutionize ourselves and try to create a balance in everything. Let us make ourselves put in best efforts at every single thing that comes our way.

So this 2020, let us make double of whatever we have, best of all, make ourselves doubly happy. That’s all that counts, isn’t it? Happiness and Contentment.

Happy New Year, everyone. Let us smash every obstacle that comes our way and fall deeper in love. Let us all succeed and find happiness in life. God bless.

I Wish

When You ask me, what has happened to me,
And I tell you, well, nothing darling, nothing at all, really.
You know by my voice, something definitely is off,
So you keep on pressing, hoping that I’ll slip and tell.
But here I was, hoping against hope that you’d understand,
You’d understand to leave me alone in my depressing space.

How could I make you understand that I couldn’t talk anymore?
That my choked voice is aching to break open,
The minutes and hours of tears that won’t stop,
Just won’t stop till my eyes feel dry and sore.
So instead I wish to keep my silence.

Will you believe me when I say,
That I don’t know why I wanna cry?
I don’t know why I’m feeling like this,
And that no matter what you do, I’m not gonna be the same.
The girl whom you love, who lights up your home.

I don’t know why my heart feels so heavy,
As if they have been carrying burden of lost things.
My eyes feel so tired now that I just wanna sleep,
For at least then, I won’t be able to think anything at all.

I wish you were here with me,
To share my silences and not pressing me to speak.
I wish I could just look into the void which covers my vision,
And get some peace in my heart ruled by sandstorms.

I wish all that I could and feel my eyes closing.
And now will come the peace which will silence my soul and heal.
Maybe… Please, oh Lord, please.
Make me forget everything and feel nothing, please.
Pleas… Please… Pleas… Ple….

Love and Disappointments, Oct ’19

They say, Love doesn’t make you cry.
Instead, Love ensures to wipe those tears,
And be there for you in all of those times.
Then why do you make me cry?

They say, Love wouldn’t test you.
Love will inevitably pass through all the parameters there are,
And will prove its worth to you.
Then why do you make me feel this is not worth it at all?

They say, Love won’t dissatisfy you.
Love might not be able to make it to your checklist,
But Love will make one for its own.
Then why do you disappoint me, after all?

I know they say, all love stories are different.
I know ours is different too, in its own way.
Then why do I feel it is on the way to doom,
Like many love stories are destined to, as well?

You Don’t Understand

You don’t understand Me.
You don’t understand, when I’m pushing You away,
You must not let Me go.
Cling on to Me, as hard as You can.
Maybe then, You can save Me from toppling over the edge.

You don’t understand Me.
You don’t understand when I’m telling You not to talk,
Means just the opposite, after all.
I don’t want You to nag Me again and again,
Beg to Me to talk to You.
Instead, what I mean is, don’t go away please.
Don’t give me pauses in the ebbing conversation,
For that makes me go restless and mad.
Maybe then, You could soothe the girl who sobbed herself to sleep.

You don’t understand Me.
You don’t understand why I become cruel to you at times.
You take all the hurt and curl up inside.
You don’t understand that I want you to take all the punches,
But not leave the ring. Never leave the ring.
Maybe then, You could see how much I’m bleeding.

You don’t understand Me at all.
And when you don’t, I wonder why am I with you at all.
As the tears fall, I wonder.
What’s the point of Me existing at all?

The Girl Who Walks Down The Lane

Tell me if you catch that girl,
The girl who walks down the lane,
With a smile in her face that screams out happiness.
As if she has got the world at her feet,
And her laughter which rings oh-so-sweet.

Tell me if you have caught that girl,
For I want to meet her and say,
Her smile lights up my day as well,
Days which otherwise reek of bland moroseness.

I’ll ask her the One,
The reason behind her smile.
If she’ll tell me, I’ll find the person,
And not tell him anything but that,
He’s needs nothin’ for,
He has already got everything.
And that, he’s the luckiest man in the world,
He better keep her good, since I’ll be checking in!

I’ll tell you how you can meet her too.
You don’t even have to search hard enough.
You only need to hold on to that image,
That conjured in your mind you met,
This girl who walked down the street of my heart.
That person you’ll know has won your soul,
Like this girl who lights up my world in whole.

Go and tell her now that she’s so beautiful, Good Lord!
Meanwhile, I’ll tell my lady the same,
My woman, the girl who walks down the lane.

Big Deal

I feel like asking you, everytime you profess your love,
To me, like a hundred times in a day,
Where’s the need, darling?
When I do know you love me, eh?
You shrug and smile, and say, well you see.
I like that to be a reminder to you,
That you’re amazing and you have,
My love and support for you, hey!
I want you to know, you say, with a softness and steel,
No matter what, you have your heart right,
And you’re gonna win every fight, with zeal.
You say it like it isn’t a big deal,
Not realising how much it really means to me.

You say my name,
Like you can’t believe I’m yours.
You say your secret name for me,
Like a prayer you want to be fulfilled, forever from now.
You make it seem like it isn’t a big deal.
While it is, my love, it is.
It is a deal when you feel me treasured like this.

When you touch me and look into my eyes, and say,
You’re beautiful, baby. You are.
You make it sound like it isn’t,
It isn’t a big deal at all.
While it is, it is a deal to me who doesn’t believe,
She’s at all worthy to be a called beautiful girl.

When you say you love hearing my breath,
The sound of me sleeping on the other side of phone,
And that it works as your lullaby,
You almost make it sound romantic and well,
Not a big deal at all, honey, not at all.
Without knowing how much it sends butterflies in my stomach.
And makes me feel special in anyone’s life at all.

I wish I could tell you all this,
I wish I could make you understand that,
What you make it sound like,
Not a big deal at all, is indeed quite so.
I wish I could make you feel the same,
But for my incapability to reciprocate love,
Everything goes to waste, after all.
You say, it’s okay darling.
How ever you show love, is enough for me, over and all.

I wish I could tell you,
That what I have received from you,
Is more than what I have ever hoped to deserve, if at all.
I wish I could tell you,
You’re a big deal to me, after all.

Writing Block

You ask me, what am I gonna write?
I say, I don’t know…
You understand that, right?
But you don’t, of course not, how would you?
So you poke at it some more and hesitate to let it go,
Until you see me shrouded in clouds of doubt and woe.

How can I tell you that I’ve betrayed you,
By letting the guest you dislike, stay overlong and due.
You know, there’s something about things,
Who stay back far behind their scheduled time.
Things which start feeling more like a companion,
In this morose journey like Life.
For now, the guest is the writing block,
My precious bind.

For this block fits in perfectly,
With all the other blocks I have,
They seem to have made friends,
And work in tandem like they never had.

The busy routine grips on to the block,
To save itself from any more appointments.
The working job works overtime,
To ensure there’s no time left at all.
Though the heart time and again gives a pull,
Painfully reminding me of the writing I was once passionate about.
But the Brain refuses to let it win,
Striking by turning out pages of emptiness.

While I used to fight before,
I was not a coward like I am now.
But now, I’m just too exhausted,
So I have decided to let it stay,,
And have been living together for quite some time.

So when you ask, why do I no longer write,
I cast down my eyes and whisper out a loud sigh.
I don’t know, wouldn’t you trust me darling?
I swear I wish I knew… But I really don’t know.