2018 Curtain Call!

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It’s not even midnight and fireworks has already started in my decked-up lane to usher in the new year. There’s something about this time, you know. Moments which make you want to look back on the year that was and wait for the new year to set in, with this tiny hope flickering in the heart that it’ll be a year that is even better than the last one. 2018 has been a year of many things happening in my life, which took turns to surprise, shock, gladden and sadden me, all at the same time.

On the professional front, 2018 has been an amazingly  rewarding year. It started with the multi-cultural school exposure that took me out of my comfort zone called hostel and threw me into a place called Balasore, located in the far interiors of Odisha. Leaving aside the living arrangements (which were horrible, BTW), the time spent there gave me so many life-lessons. I made male friends, something which was absolutely unimaginable otherwise, especially from RIE (my institution). Given their rural background, we had almost nothing in common, except the fact that we came together at the right place, at the right time. I came to the life-owning realization that no matter how much I felt out of place during studying for B.Ed, I was in fact at the right place, when I caught a glimpse of my potential as a teacher during the multi-cultural school exposure. The compliments from the school heads and the teachers (“You’re like this energy-bomb, Eshita! You bring this surreal amount of energy in the class, which pays back.” ~ School Head, DAV Balasore. Also admittedly the toughest school head we came across) not only boosted my self-confidence, but instilled hope inside me that I could become a good teacher. The little adventure of coming across a small village and on invitation, actually going inside their homes and eating their home-made, special Odia food was the highlight of my school exposure, as it turned out the village was after-all the dacoit village! Phew! What a beautiful but narrow save! 

The multi-cultural school exposure was soon followed by the second half of the year, which went by spending time in the school internship of our course. I had been placed with JNV Nadia, Kalyani and that too, as the group-leader of my group of five co-teachers which later saw addition of three more co-teachers, taking it to a tally of 8 group members, the highest amongst all the groups for the school internship. When the internship had started, I had been riddled with not only insecurities but further more with the pressure to succeed, while at the same time managing the group dynamics. However, to my surprise, the internship went so well, that I ended up not only extending my professional connections and enhancing my other skills like anchoring and sports amongst others, I also somehow managed to make a little space in the hearts of all the students of the school in many ways more than one. I could go on and on about the internship experience but really it would not suffice for this space to cover all the details. The fact that the school remembers us and our contribution to the school altogether was attested by the fact that the School Principal Sir, staying true to his promise, invited us to the school annual function and me personally, to the alumni meet of the school. It is a huge honor to all of us, and especially for me, as it just added on to the Letter of Recommendation that I had received from him just before I left the school.

On the personal front, I might take the liberty in saying that 2018 has been my year so far as personal growth is concerned. I overcame my insecurities regarding my career decisions and elevated my self-esteem to an extent that almost nothing negative could touch the shell that I created to secure my positive vibes. I learnt how to be patient with time and my faith in Karma got paid back too (well, sometimes!) I gained self-confidence in areas which I literally owned and more so, I have started taking little steps in accepting my body as it is. I inched closer towards closure in areas which once hurt and pained, but no longer anymore. I oversaw my brother’s wedding (phew! never thought would get to witness that!) and my school friend’s wedding, the first of our group to settle down (the very thought of settling down still gives me heebee-jeebies!). Interestingly, 2018 has also been a year of traveling (albeit to small places, but traveling nevertheless!). I traveled to Puri beach in the first half of the year, to start off my birthday month and had so much fun with my friends! The middle half of the year oversaw taking small trips to outskirts of the town, for finding time for enjoyment and leisure. The ending part of the year saw me going on a trip to a different city altogether inside Odisha, Cuttack, for attending the epic Baalijatra, just a day before I was to come back home. It was an experience I’d never forget and quite nicely ended my traveling streak of 2018. 

Last but not the least, 2018 has also been the year where I decided to give a chance to my heart and to life once more, by saying yes to a person who has been there with me for the last two years despite rejection from Me. Even now, I’m quite decided that I don’t deserve the kind of love he does to me and doubt it’ll stay so long as to heal my broken heart completely. But then, somehow I’ve landed myself with a companion on whom I can bank upon, who I can call mine. And I guess, that says a lot. I’m not sure how much longer the cruise of my heart will stay moored to this ship of the shore, but let’s hope the journey is worth, after all. Also, am I getting ahead of myself if I say, the temptation of being single once again haunts me every night? *wink wink* (Hah! I got you there, Mister!!)

Expectations regarding 2019? Nothing really. One thing I have learnt from 2018 is to not expect anything because it never does turn out like that after all, does it? So despite the frightening realization that 2019 is going to be a very crucial year for me, so far as my career is concerned, however with fingers crossed, I can just hope against hope. That’s all I can do.

So here’s to a year of growth, inertia, success, failures, happiness and sadness, all in pairs. Let’s go get and make a year worth living in and so much more. Let us all be the person whom we aspire to be. Let us be The One who can look in the mirror and be proud of the person we are becoming. Let’s make a year which is Ours.

Let’s own 2019. May The Force Be Ourselves. Let’s have a great New Year, everyone. 

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Microtales – “Eyes”

The first thing you’d notice about Her, are her eyes. No, they weren’t out-of-the-world beautiful or the color of her eyes weren’t the highly romanticised shades of blue or green. But if you looked carefully enough, you could see that there was something extraordinary about those ordinary eyes. They stared and stared, very uncannily. You could feel yourself squirm under the scrutiny of them. They said something about having nothing to lose. They said about fights with demons, where she was the lone survivor. They said about not giving a damn to anyone or anything. They said about survival of a corpse life. They said about living a dead life.

A pair of eyes, which stared so still you’d forget breathing.

Butterflies

I see her laughing madly,
She says, she’s in love.
She tells me she gets this butterflies in her stomach,
Don’t you get it too, she asks me?
When will you be in love, she softly muses to me.

I smile at her, thinking the same.
Probably I’m in love too much with myself,
Or maybe I don’t want to love anymore,
More than it wrecks the already marred ship,
The ship that is my life, with its sail gone,
Everything just gone.


Perhaps, one fine day, I tell her.
One fine day, I’ll laugh madly like her,
Dreamily claim to be in love, for I genuinely would be,
Have this butterflies in my stomach,
And would finally be able to say,
I’m in love, honey. I am in love.
One fine day.

Metamorphosis

I see you with them,
Laughing around, like you used to,
With me, some fine days.
Which now feels like a lifetime before,
But damn, it hurts, every single time, I heresay!


Tell me, did I anyhow make you uncomfortable,
To not anymore smile at Me, like the way You are doing right now,
Looking at her, but I swear.


I swear, you were a different person then.
The person I had met when the sun had just risen,
The person who looked so vulnerable with the sun setting on its last leg.
The person who had made me want to open up to him,
The person who I had wanted to be with.
To hold his hands and just watch everything dissemble.


So tell Me, was the metamorphosis easy,
Because if you forgot me that easily,
Maybe even I can, let go of you needily?
For I just cannot let myself be fooled again,
Into believing that love will happen to Me.


Some people are so cursed,
They are robbed of the first chance,
Of getting to live once more,

Love, one more time, yet again.

Charade

You look daringly, I look stealthily.
You give me that smile of yours,
Which shows little but means helluva lot.
The smile which tells you nothing,
Yet you know, it means to me something.
I look away quickly,
Afraid of getting caught.
You look away, nodding your head,
Yeah, that’s how it must be between us, for now.

You look, I look away.
I look, you look away.
Yet another moment gone,
Untouched and far-fetched,
No matter how much I wail and moan.

I look, You don’t notice.
You got a subtle stubble growing.
You look absolutely delightful, I want to scream.
Instead, when You look, I..
I look away, refusing to give away myself,
By meeting your eyes and facing the storm inside.

The eyes that look confused, irritated,
Angry, helpless and depressed.
Eyes which most of all, have questions,
Answers to which I cannot dare to tell,
In fear of spilling the society’s tales.

The society which looks upon us,
As a forbidden pair, destined only to be,
Lamented, embarrassed and shamed upon.
Society which tells you and me,
How we should walk and talk.
Society which tells me, I am not,
Not allowed to meet your eyes and say,
I’m sorry, we are not at fault.
We are just pawns in this bloody game,
We both are victims in their worst phase.

You look, I look at last.
You look surprised, and I,
I feel a sadness heaving down,
Upon my soul and heart.
I look away finally, slowly this time,
For I know moments like this are fleeting,
For us to exist the way we are,
We have to keep this charade going.
For as long as it takes.

Thing is,
I think I’ll be able to hold on.
Will you?

Moving Away

I’ve always wondered,
Of the moment when,
I’d finally move on,
From You and My expectations.
I’ve imagined countless times,
Of the moment when I’d realize,
That it is really the end of it all,
And nothing else can be done anymore.
I’ve woken up from nightmares,
Soaked with sweat & pumping oxygen into a jumpy heart,
Wishing and praying for those things,
To never happen, those terrible things,
Only to realize they have already happened.
But nothing could have prepared Me,
For this moment which has finally come.

It was the look of your face which screamed happiness,
The moment when this heart of mine broke all over again.
When You didn’t look back even once and took a giant leap,
And I realized I was a fool to wish for happy endings.
They don’t exist and nor do your feelings,
But I still believe and unfortunately,
Exist my feelings, which once lay dormant,
But have woken up again, to bid you goodbye.
For You see, I can live my life with the memories given by you,
But I cannot bear to burden You with mine.
You see, I can survive by barely managing to sew my broken heart,
But I cannot bear to see You live, Without that of yours.

Because at the end of the day, it’s still your happiness which counts,
I can manage with my melancholic memories.
Who cares if You have ruined my heart with your image,
I’ll just remain happy for the rest of my life,
That once You belonged to Me – just mine,
Once upon a time.

Laugh

There’s something about her laugh. She laughs like she’d keel over laughing and fall on the floor. She looked like the happiest person in this world when she laughed. But she wasn’t really. In fact, she didn’t even really laugh at all. She disguised it all the time. She laughed because she needed to show everything was fine with her. She laughed and that reminded her how hollow she is, that she has to fake her own laugh. She laughed at the shallow sound of her laughter. She laughed at the whole irony of life. She laughed at the screwup that she was. She laughed because that’s the only way she could control herself. Stop herself from screaming out aloud and going insane. She laughed because she was just a step away from a complete break-down. She laughed because she couldn’t cry.

And it was as simple as that. She had to laugh so she laughed.