2016 – The Year That Was

Picture Source: Pinterest

Picture Source: Pinterest

I love writing these year-roundabout posts. They make me look back at all that has happened this one year, rehash all the lessons learnt and be prepared for the year that’s coming. I remember reading last year’s roundabout post and all I could exclaim was, oh such a sweet summer child was I! Because that girl and this girl is just so much different, courtesy this past one year. 2016 has been one hell of a year, being officially the worst year of my Life till date. Everything I had ever loved and believed in, changed. People I’ve loved and lived for, left, betrayed and you can go ahead to fill in all the worst adjectives you can find, even then you wouldn’t be able to gauge the enormity of the damage that has been caused inside of Me. And yet, here I am, having survived it all.

2016 had begun with promises, with a constant worry in my head that the happy bubble would however soon burst. And burst it did, oh-so-badly. In fact, the worst nightmare of mine came true, when He left Me, this city for another city. The person who had come to define my life, had left me groping to come to terms to living alone, that too so suddenly and too early. It took me almost a year to get over him, and even now, I cannot say with 100% conviction that my heart doesn’t miss Him. But He sure taught me how to save and survive by myself against all odds, when I’d thought I wouldn’t be able to. Most importantly, this time, the Savior was none but Me myself. That would be one of the most important lessons he taught Me, when He left. Yet, I’d probably hold this grudge against him all my life, that he’d butchered the innocent girl that was Me, giving rise to a woman who no longer feared losing anything. That again however, was just a start to the tunnel that only spiralled downwards to losing so-called friends that had been the only gang of mine. Then had begun the web of trust, betrayal, disappointments and oh my, the amounts in which they were raining! I tell you, when people you thought to be your closest, reveal their ugly faces behind those social masks they wear, leaving aside the fact that they are not just horrific, but they even make you cringe thinking that you had actually wasted a huge chunk of your time behind them! That you had once given ’em a piece of your heart, only to have it stomped over, by them. But in hindsight, they were some great lessons learnt and now I can safely say, that there’s nothing that I haven’t been tried on. No one and absolutely nothing, no matter how bewildering the events might be, can surprise Me now. Been there, know that, Sir! Besides, given the peaceful person I’ve turned into, I’ve left it upon Karma to deal with them. Let Karma make its hands bloody, while I rest in peace!

This had however led to the first trips of mine, of this year. First one with the family, the second one for the family. The beach family outing had been amazing, full of fun and given my fondness for the seas and waves, they had given me constructive mental support to face head on, the problems that were going on in my life then. It had, in fact, steeled me for Varanasi. The Varanasi, with its conditions of keeping anonymity from the world, of being alone fighting it out for yourself and your family, and most importantly, making you realize the importance of Time, had changed me inside out. I no longer cared for anyone except myself. In fact, it had made me realize the value of family and that I’d say would be the most important good thing that came out of moving away from the gang of my friends. After the debacle, I have become so close to my family *touchwood* that there’s little that they don’t know about my Life and that actually makes me feel so contented. Varanasi taught me that and that, there must be space for nothing in my life except thinking of how to make my life more substantive.

So began the last year of my Masters as well and that thankfully didn’t give me scope to think about anything else than studies, which were so stressful and occupying every single moment of my life. Then came THE trip of my life, the first solo trip of mine which had been very bumpy at first, but went ahead to check off one item of the bucket list. From losing my purse along-with my college ID (totally caps my officially worst year, thank you 2016) to staying over at my bestie’s amazing place, from my appetite going worryingly down to watching the whole town stay quietly lit up at night during Christmas. From video calls of family to watching the galaxy of stars at 4 am, from surviving on only Chowmein for a week to travelling through a cloud storm, it made me grow my attitude back and went on to teach me yet another trip-lesson of my Life. If Beach had taught Me to think of ways to make Life more constructive than waste time over trivial matters or people, Hills taught Me to be selfish. To not give a damn about anything or anyone, than thinking about only myself. And that was just what I needed before the end of this year.

I’m not keeping any expectations out of 2017, that it’ll finally bring in everything that I need the most in my Life. In fact, I’ll keep doing what I’ve learnt this year: Keep surviving it. Prepared or not, 2017 can definitely expect some tough resistance outta Me against all kinds of obstacles and challenges, for I’m not going to give an inch without fighting. You must have already noticed that unlike the previous year, I didn’t mention the good things that happened this year. Lets just say that, they were bare minimum and the little I got, I don’t wanna jinx it up too. Also, unlike 2016, I’m going to draw up a resolutions list for 2017, because I’ve realized, I like being busy. I’m not gonna waste my time after any future scumbags or trivial matters, because my mission now is grooming the one I see in the mirror, into one of the best person out there, so that I can one day look up to myself and be really proud of myself. Now, it’s not about being worth of anyone, it’s about being really worth of the standards that I’ve set for myself. That’s the mantra now, because really YOLO.

2016 has been officially the worst year, sure. But it shall remain the year I’ll never forget. For breaking and remaking Me.

Happy New Year, everyone. May The Forces be with Us, this new year. May We ourselves, become The Force.

Coffee Talkies 2.0 #2 – Epiphany(s)

Picture Source: Pinterest

Picture Source: Pinterest

Sometimes, it’s been such a long time since you wrote anything about yourself or your life that, when you do set about having a go at it, it feels strange. Yeah, it feels strange that here I am, sipping coffee and actually getting to think about how everything is getting around in my life and not having my mind clogged with the studies’ plague. For once, it feels liberating. For once, it feels like home.

Now enough with the introduction and let’s straight headlong into what I’m here for. In fact, that’s exactly how I am now: Straight to the point, no beating around the bush. And today I’m here to talk about the major headlines, no, lessons that happened in my life these last 11 months of the year 2016. Two things to be cleared first: 1.  I think it’s gonna be a bit long post. So bear with me, please? 2.  I’m not gonna say “gosh, it’s 11 months already!” Because I’m glad it’s gonna be over. 2016 has been officially one of the worst years I ever had. Period. Now with that cleared, here goes my lessons. I have learnt that:

–  Dreams aren’t true. Sure, they occur and we consider ourselves lucky to have achieved, that whole dreams-coming-true thingy but they are dreams only because we gave them that position. I’ve decided to call them benchmarks from now. One bench crossed; walk, run, stumble, fall whatever is required, to your next bench. Dreams are cliché. Because they’re unreal and…. it hurts like hell when you see them breaking.
–  There’s nothing called settled life. It itself is a contradiction because absolutely nothing in life is permanent. Not your closed ones, not your friends. They constantly change with times, even if you don’t and it doesn’t matter if you don’t change and don’t want others to change, because life is just that. You just cannot let things run according to your own course. Accept it and move on.
–  Take the challenges like a proud pilot when the winds flow wild. Like literally. No matter how heart-breaking, disbelievingly shocking the events might be, face it and you’ll know forever that you’d been courageous. That goes a long way, really.
–  Sometimes it’s okay to have setbacks. In fact, I’d say it’s necessary to have ’em coming because that makes you learn the lessons the hard way. And if the setbacks are personal and yet you’re surviving it like a professional, pilot salute little wolf!
–  It’s always okay to love and not get loved back in return the way you wanted it. In fact, even in cases when your love is not appreciated or recognized and you’re hugely disappointed. Know that you had loved and it takes a lot to love. You’re far more greater than the other person. You’re way more courageous than the other person. And most importantly, you might love someone, sure, but at the very first list is You. If you love yourself, you literally need no one’s love.
–  That it’s okay to still have the box called feelings, get opened sometimes. That it’s totally fine to have ‘crushes’ and get psyched about talking with them. That’s being human!!
– That it doesn’t matter if you don’t have many, like, 30-40 friends to boast or roam about. I mean, really who cares!? If you got the back of your family and that 1-2 friends whom you can call up and rant, vent your heart out, that’s really enough. I’m happy for myself when I say, that this year I came close to my family, thanks to losing out on some of my friends and I really, actually don’t regret any single bit of it. In fact, I’m glad life called out on some of them. Saved me a whole lotta time getting over them in the future!!
–  At last, but definitely not the least, it’s okay to be imperfect. To have flaws and have the courage to accept it. To be human and most importantly, be myself no matter how crazy that might be! I am Me and I do not regret one single bit.

I could have harped on more, but my coffee has ran out and I refuse to write anything without coffee! *cheeky smile* Okay, no the post is already long enough and I need to save some for the December roundabout post. But before I leave…. Always remember the best is yet to come. Always.

Have hope in the darkest of times. Because you’re all that you have and you better make the best deal of it!

LEAVING YOU – #1

Picture Source: Pinterest

Picture Source: Pinterest

She thought of ways.
There must be some to sort out the mess.
The distance and the time didn’t matter,
She firmly believed.

She loved Him always,
And Time really wasn’t anything.
It was only His silence and lack of effort on his part,
That made Her realise,

No ways of the world can make someone feel.

Not at least what She still felt,
And He too had felt,

Once upon a time.

MISSING YOU – 4

Picture Courtesy: Pinterest

Picture Courtesy: Pinterest

She missed writing.
She missed writing poems,
To bleed her heart out into them.

She missed writing stories,
To create perfect lives unlike Hers.
She saw no point writing them anymore, you see.

Everything was an illusion, after all.
Emotions were nothing,
But only keepsakes, meant to be locked.

Lives can be anything but perfect.
No story can have any happy ending.
Only surviving and breathing.

MISSING YOU – 3

Picture Source: Internet

Picture Source: Internet

I miss Him when I walk,
On the streets we had treaded on.

I miss Him when I eat,
At the restaurants we ate at.

I miss Him when I hear a song,
Songs which appealed to him and which did not.

I miss Him when I’m happy,
His sadness used to dilute my happiness once.

I miss Him when I’m sad,
His absence making its presence felt.

For He is a part of Me,
I miss him as I miss Me.

Coffee Talkies 2.0 #1 Musings

Source: Internet

Source: Internet

I’ve been thinking about this for some months now and finally, the time has come. So ladies and gentlemen, I hereby relaunch my Coffee Talkies 2.0, drawing a very abrupt end to my previous version of Coffee Talkies, which was essentially a story of a broken couple. Due to a general lack of interest on part of mine in creating any kind of story further, especially given that this world is buzzing with lots of stories already, I henceforth came to the decision of letting the story be where it was and let the characters take it where they want to, in their own fictional world.

The idea behind Coffee Talkies 2.0 is to pen down my musings, which I usually do in my Instagram posts (my Insta handle is @esh_insta, in case you want to visit anytime, of which in fact, I’d be very glad of) and since then, 2 categories of my well-wishers have come into being. One, who have been quite generous with their compliments regarding my musings and the other kind who have been subtly hinting to me, to take it to my blog and leave my posts alone! And thus here I stand, being half-shoved and half interested by myself, to this position. The basic premise behind this Coffee Talkies 2.0 would be a theme for every post on which the musings would be based on and would also happen to involve a few stories. Yes, stories again, except that this ones are very real and happen right out there, something that can be connected with easily. Why Coffee Talkies and not some random blah-blah talkies? That’s because my musings usually choose to visit me during the coffee hours of my day and not just that (’cause as it so happens, I can actually get musings whenever I want *touchwood*), the musings that come then, usually do me the favour of staying back in my mind and not drift away, like the other times.
Okay, now enough with the preamble and on with the theme of the month that passed by: Switching Off and On.

Yeah, that’s what I’ve been doing this 2-3 months and Lord, haven’t I gotten to be a pro at it! No, of course we ain’t talking machines or some mundane stuff here, but you know, emotions. Raw, passionate emotions which are to be switched off and on, as per situations. Not getting it, right? See. We all have our weaknesses which we find, sometimes in people, sometimes in some places, or sometimes in both. The common thread happens to be the fact that you care. Care enough to get hurt at the slightest mistreatment or if and when things don’t turn out the way they should/expected them to be. Thanks to my amazingly good luck, I had and have the fortune of getting hurt at both. (Yeah, I manage to do that now and then and in fact, far often.) Now to survive in this world, you simply can’t keep on getting hurt, can you? So then, I Switch Off my emotions.

No matter how much the places might haunt you, no matter when you look at these people with whom you were once very close but not anymore and remember all those memories, the trick is to think of yourself as a stranger, meeting ’em with an enlightened, changed view. No bitter feelings with only the best wishes for ’em, what you can do is to switch off yourself in front of them. Feel not a single thing walking in those places or along with those people. Easier said than done, right? I know, I know. But well, if we talk about Me in this case, I tell you, I’ve turned into such a professional at this that sometimes I myself get so flabbergasted about it. In fact, I actually have got an interesting story regarding this.

The other day, one of my sisters quipped to me saying in this past 3 years since I have met her, I have changed and reinvented myself so many times that in a very short span of time, it is as if I’ve matured a lot, despite my age. And this is not just Her, but a lot of people have said the same thing and her statement that night just happened to corroborate with the general consensus. Yet to be honest, I hadn’t really wanted to but circumstances and people made Me to. And I refuse to look back. Really, the most important thing one must do is to never lament and regret. Most certainly, believe they have changed you into a much better person than you were before.

Does that mean I have turned into an unfeeling human being? Here comes the Switch On part. The moment I’m out of sight of those particular places and people, I switch back on myself. It’s almost as if I’m leading a dual life character. It’s tiring, sure and sometimes feels like it’s an unnecessary burden to carry but then, it’s so much better than getting hurt innumerous times or turning into an unfeeling being. Some particular disasters of your life should not change the person you are defined by. Not that much that, you can’t even remember the person you were/are and thus fail to look at yourself. Because at the end of day, all you’re left with is You yourself and he/she is someone you don’t want to hide your eyes from.

So Moral of the story is: No one can heal You but You, yourself. Believe and never lose sight of Yourself.

NON-FICTIONAL FICTION

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This happens to be a not-so-famous dialogue from a very famous Hollywood film.  Couldn’t identify? No? Okay.

Right, so this happens to be from the film The Matrix (1999) and even though this conversation between Agent Smith & Neo is not so famous, but is closer to my heart.

Sometimes, when sensitive people fall into depression, people who perhaps fail to grasp their sensitivity, laugh at their backs and call them, “Empty”.
“She is so empty, ya.”
“God, crawl out of this empty life of yours please, will ya?”
“Oh, I get so bored with this empty, boring life of yours.”

with the general consensus being “Get a life, dude/babe!”

What has always piqued my curiosity is, how do you define emptiness? Can there really be any universal definition of what can be called emptiness?

Most importantly, when you are calling someone ’empty’, can you really put your hand on your heart and call yourself ‘not empty’/’full’/’whatever-you-call-that’?

Think over it and let me know, please?

 

On a personal note, this past few weeks has brought along several epiphanies for me. And with epiphanies came in a big change. Thank you world for the love and hatred alike. They have been crucial for the change, which was the need-of-the-hour. *smiles*

What change? Let’s wait and watch? For, even I am eager to witness the change happening!! *grins*