Flashback: First Date

You know, I still remember that cab ride.
Our first date and how I had blabbered on about my crush,
In front of you, of whom I was the crush.
You had listened to me silently, laughed and looked at me with wistful eyes.
I couldn’t just look at you, couldn’t face those eyes,
For whom I held the world, especially when I knew that.
You didn’t interrupt me once, didn’t come off as rude,
After all, I was the one who had been rude by making you wait for an hour.

I still cannot forget the look of the waiter,
When I told him I would have the rum and you, the fresh lime soda.
You didn’t seem put off, for even once!
You in fact, seemed a little proud that it was an unconventional date.
By the time we left the restaurant, I was little tipsy and drunk.
Well, of course I had to, when I knew what was going to come after.

While waiting for the cab, I stood leaning by and almost over the road-railing.
You gripped my arm hard and fast, coming close to me for once.
And I looked back at you, making you move away a little far.
A small child had come just then, trying to sell us balloons.
I tried to ward him away by telling I didn’t need any and looked at you,
But you weren’t looking at me.
You were looking at a yellow balloon with a smiley.
Smiling wistfully, you gave him money and told him to keep the change.
The small boy went away laughing and you,
You gave me the balloon to hold,
Looking at me as if I had such a beatific face.

In the cab, I told you how deeply I was scarred from inside.
How I drew a band-aide on the wrist of my left hand every Thursday, every birth day of mine.
‘Coz I believed that every Thursday, I needed to remind myself,
To live, to float and not drown.
I told you I had a soul diagnosed with clinical depression,
And that I couldn’t love anyone, for I didn’t love myself.

All the while I was talking, I watched you in between.
For once, you weren’t looking at me.
I could see you heaving silently,
Looking out from the cab window.
Believe me, I tried my best to ward you off too like that little boy.
But when you came to open the cab door,
I knew something big was coming like this huge wave,
Which will crash heavily on the shore of my soul.
You whispered, “I love you so much”.
And I walked out on you, pretending to be drunk,
Not looking back even once.

So why am I being reminiscent of something which happened almost two years ago?
It is ‘coz of these times,
When I want to push you away really hard,
And get high on these gloomy depressive times.
You tend to ask me too many questions, you know.
Questions like, what has happened, why are you upset, can I do something,
Please tell me what to do to make you feel better.
Whenever you ask me so many questions, I have a flashback of this first date,
When you couldn’t ask me questions,
But you kept on wringing your fingers,
As if you cannot wait to shake me up and ask me these very questions.
Answers to whom I didn’t know then,
And still don’t know now after so many years.

It is with this flashback that also brings on the memories,
Memories of your wistful eyes, of the love in them for me.
Silently praying to me to float and not drown.
To have belief in your love and have belief in myself.

Flashbacks are funny, ain’t it?