The one thought that’s literally on everyone’s minds right now, for sure, is: “Wow, never thought this damn year would even come to an end!” Bingo! But well, finally here we are. But am I so darnedly dense to think that with the end of 2020, will come the end of everything that this year has come to be known for? Nay nay. Not that dense I am, thank you.
You know, I actually have this habit of going through the last year roundup-blog to see how the current year did fare with that of the previous year and how much of the wishes that I had proposed for myself actually come to fruition. Come to think of it, till now, every current year have had success in claiming to be better, well, until 2020. 2020 will definitely take the crown for that, hands down, for being one of the worst year one could have ever witnessed or claimed to be in. (Not talking for the legends who have survived worst periods of worst other diseases, I wasn’t born till then or can claim to have much experience of it, so forgive me if you can). It took away some of our favourite people, saw us watch in horror at the rising number of death cases and the sheer amount of losses everyone had to go through, either directly or indirectly. Hmph.
Anyway! So on going through the last year’s roundup-blog, I found out that… Well, I had wished for a whole lot of things, so I’ll just quickly copy that part from last year’s blogpost, to save all of our time going round and round.
“I hope to carry myself off efficiently regarding finances and adulting about life. 2020 should be a year where I’m able to organise my personal life in tandem with my work-life, so that I’m less exhausted and more energetic to get at least some of my hobbies done. This year, I hope to take off my double Masters properly as well, so that I can continue with that in future. I hope I can get to learn to play better Ukulele and create a balance between book-reading and movie-watching. I hope to go on several more trips and spend even more time with Him.”
Hmm. Let’s take them on, one by one. Organising my personal life in tandem with my work-life? How can one even claim to have a “personal life” when the work-from-home mode has literally taken over any kind of life you might have had? Next, please. Finances? Hah, funny! A year which has seen its paycut and literally no savings at all.. quite efficient? Uh huh. Moving on. Double Masters? When keeping sanity was quickly becoming a survival test, how do you take on more than you can afford mentally? That too academically, which takes far more dedication and commitment? So yes, that got dropped and no, if you had asked me a year back, I would have been ashamed to admit that I dropped out of getting another degree, but no more. Not this year, on my watch. I ain’t ashamed of it one bit. Pursuing hobbies? Hmm, lemme see. So Ukulele quickly faded out of my interest, as and when the mind-o-meter started going down. Movie-watching? Eh, that went on okay. Book-reading? Could have gone far well, though I did finish my Goodreads Reading Challenge of 20 Books (Yes, only 20 in 12 months, and that too I struggled with it. Now that’s something the bookworm me is legit ashamed of). Trips and spending time with my partner? It’s a crime to even imagine that in a year which has been defined by lockdowns and health threats. So there you go! All the resolutions gone down the drain.
So how was 2020 for me? Let me start from the beginning. It did start off well, with my sense of accomplishment taking a raise in the form of my first batch of students officially and successfully passing out. Then came March, with its beautiful moments spent with Him, traveling to amazing places, without us knowing that this will be the last travel of this year. I wonder sometimes if we knew this somehow beforehand, whether it would have been spent even more nicely somehow… For sure, I could have gotten the opportunity of hugging him or holding his hands tightly for the last time if we knew it was last.. Sigh. Anyhow, moving on. Then flew in my family for my birthday and that’s when the news of the virus spreading started. Firstly, we were finding it hard to believe. And when the lockdown started, it slowly started becoming real. We were scared and befuddled with what to do and what not. School shifted into work-from-home mode via online classes and slowly that took over my life.
Online classes turned out to be quite a challenge. You see, not being able to be there for the students in person, making them understand something important or seeing their eyes light up on clearing off their doubts… Seemed so far, belonging to a different world now. And on top of it, managing exams online as well.. Uh oh! Then of course, were the effects of the pandemic. With many parents not paying the fees, the school decided to go for a massive paycut for the teachers, which became one of the main reasons for mental stress of this year. Honestly speaking, I was truly lucky to have a partner who was willing to support and wade me through the troubling waters and still continues to do so. But it continues to be a prickly issue, I can guarantee.
Speaking of support, this year has also witnessed the longest and by far, the most damaging in terms of mental health. I cannot even count the number of mental breakdowns I have had, due to both family and workplace issues and life in general. There have been so many times I’ve thought of self-harm and every single time, I have been real scared of my other self. Sitting 800kms far, I can imagine it was damn near impossible for him too to trynna have some semblance in all those moments. Oh, hey! I also got diagnosed with accomodation disorder in my eyes, which is, drumroll, incurable. Lovely, right? Exercises if not done regularly (which isn’t getting done regularly) might even lead to me becoming blind. Woohoo! Keeps getting better, doesn’t it? Add to that, my increasing fattiness which has become one huge factor to my mental insecurity as well. My fattiness which will only increase with the consistent stress-junk food-more stress cycle, with the lockdown and work-from-home mode depriving me from effective exercise time, has only led to my family taunting me for eating meals of two people at a time (no, uneducated people, it’s called hypothyroidism, hayheads) and even more (I’ll spare you those insults for now, you’re welcome). Sigh. 2020, what a wrecker you have been.
So far as hobbies are concerned, even though there has been an increase in the interests with the addition of drawing/painting and listening to piano pieces which has a strange calming effect on me (direct effect of the Korean Series Crash Landing on You. Man, what a series it has been! Definitely one of the most unforgettable series of my Life), but there hasn’t really been any progress so far as practicing them is concerned. Life hasn’t really been that great, you see.
Now if you talk about accomplishments, yes, I did manage to get one, after getting hand-picked via a interview conference call to present as a panelist in the DPS Society’s Webinar Session (said to be one of its kind). It surprised me, shocked my authorities who were fervently praying for my success and boy, did I succeed! I usually don’t gloat, but why shouldn’t I when I really, really slogged my all hours on & off to snatch that success? It not only led to keeping the name of my school but also a series of workshops in the school, the first being led by me. Which again, was well received by one and all in the school. So one accomplishment against everything that happened this year. Woop.
I did get to finally visit Calcutta after a year, that too for a family issue, which after all didn’t get sorted at the end of the day. So much of nostalgia and homesickness went away with a puff after seeing majority or almost everyone going without any mask at all (no, not even the mask lying near the neck, protecting the double chin. Not even that. Such confidence!) Making me wish I was back in the cocoon of the other city where people at least obeyed the rules. I did manage to have a hearty time with my partner’s family, which was a bonus, given that it is in fact quite crucial that both the families like each other. Which I think they did. (Small yay) You see, this year did bless me with some great bonding with this family (especially the male head), one which has a major possibility of becoming a part of my life very soon.
2020 has taught me a lot regarding survival and what matters the most really. It taught me who you really need in your life and in which priority they belong to. It taught me that no matter how much you want something, you cannot if a virus is out there, taking over everything. I cannot even begin to explain my exasperation and frustration at not getting to be there for any help to Him, when he himself contracted the virus. God knows from where did all my patience, love, understanding come from but I’m glad we went through it together, albeit virtually. Now don’t get me wrong that I have gotten it all to learn and understand this year. Nah nah. 2021 lies there in front of me with far more and much bigger challenges, the solutions of which I have no clue of and is hugely stressing me out. But hey, one day at a time, okay? Deep breath, in and out.
So let 2021 be a play of the Destiny. Let it carry out whatever the hell it wants, ‘coz this girl ain’t got a clue, dammit! Let it decide what is to happen and what is to follow next. Meanwhile, I’ll try my best to keep my hobbies afloat, by throwing caution to the winds.. How about going for painting for a start, huh? Hmm. Hoping to read books more, watch movies more (definitely some Korean dramas for sure, fingers crossed!) and slowly pick up on that Ukulele currently gathering the dust and cobwebs. I’d also like to look for courage from the Universe to stop hiding from my body issues and start looking at ’em all in their eyes (literally, all accommodation disorder pun intended). I need to tackle the fattiness, the accomodation issues in my eyes and yes, the elephant in the room, my degrading mental health. Sigh. I’m tired already.
So here’s to a brand new year, everyone. Not sure whether it’d be a good one, but another chance of making at least some changes in our lives (if you want. If not, be my guest!) And finally, here’s to you, Destiny. Officially handing over my life’s reins to you. Whatever you wanna make of it, go ahead and do it. Just pass along some courage as well to face ’em all, pretty/handsome please? See ya all this time, next year. New Year, everyone!
NightSoulWhisperer 